Inside Trump's new EPA, where "P" stands for petroleum | Satire
Guest Commentary: The New EPA?
Penn Med'south Master Innovation Officer with a tongue-in-cheek proposal for ecology "protection" nether Pres. Trump
Jan. 22, 2020
Subsequently noticing that their new policies primarily do good corporations that pollute, the Environmental Protection Agency under President Trump has decided to start their own oil and gas company. "Information technology's the logical next step in capturing the value we create," noted EPA Director and onetime coal manufacture lobbyist Andrew Wheeler.
Under this assistants in that location'southward been a remarkable serial of decisions fundamentally reversing prior policy that leaned toward protecting the environs. Wheeler believes part of this bias was rooted in the name of the bureau, particularly the 'P' in their acronym, when in fact at that place's more than that the environment tin practise for economies through exploitation. Equally such he's proposed changing EPA to stand for the "Extract Petroleum Agency."
When questioned about how he idea this new EPA might effectively compete against well-entrenched oil and gas companies, Wheeler's eyes sparkled with mischievous excitement. "Well, first off, we accept privileged access to protected lands," he stated. Nobody else is allowed to drill in that location, and then the agency's ability to circumvent the rules gives them a competitive reward. "Our practiced friends at the Department of the Interior have demonstrated a consistent willingness to wait the other way," Wheeler continued, "then nosotros're confident admission to selectively protected lands tin be role of our business plan."
Industry pundits expect temporarily superfluous, surprisingly available scientists tin learn to drive oil rigs and operate catchy machinery.
While Wheeler acknowledged upgrading the productivity of these areas would accept been easier under Trump's one-time Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, who was pushing an agenda of more drilling, "dirty" coal mining, weakening protections, suppressing climate science and waging an all-out state of war on wild animals, current Secretary David Bernhardt would practice but fine with his willingness to give illegal access to former clients.
Farther, deep cuts at the agency which previously seemed imprudent in decimating environmental inquiry at the moment of an impending existential crunch now announced prescient, freeing up resources for job retraining. Industry pundits expect temporarily superfluous, surprisingly available scientists can larn to drive oil rigs and operate catchy machinery. Wheeler noted the immediate economic touch of releasing policy from the yoke of science in this context, every bit reassignment will deliver an firsthand salary increment for all but the most senior scientists while still affording the opportunity to help the surround by staying focused on safety to avoid harmful accidents.
Wheeler and the Trump administration don't see this development every bit inconsistent with the history of the agency, specially the recent history nether Trump. To date under the electric current administration, the EPA has ceased protections for wetlands and streams, removed limits on toxic pollution from coal-fired power plants, paved the way for contamination of groundwater with toxic coal ash, gutted rules protecting make clean air and reducing carbon emissions, scoffed at the Mercury and Air Toxics Standards, dismissing both the billions of dollars of savings in wellness costs and thousands of lives saved, eased upwardly on regulating greenhouse gas emissions, delayed the 'Smog Rule' which also would have delivered billions of dollars of health savings annually, walked away from cut marsh gas emissions, refused to ban pesticides linked to brain damage, pesticides and death, and are apparently simply getting started.
When accused of systematically dismantling the very protections citizens expected from the EPA, Wheeler noted that with all the EPA researchers using scientific arguments to resist these changes, it wasn't as easy as it looked. He countered that he does, in fact, care virtually the surroundings. "The oil and natural gas nether those trees is beautiful. Information technology's nighttime, fragrant and flossy like skilful coffee. And it's all natural. How can something natural hurt the environment? They even call it natural gas. If it was artificial like a metallic wind turbine, certain I'd be worried about harming people," Wheeler asserted.
"The oil and natural gas under those trees is beautiful. It's dark, fragrant and flossy similar good coffee. And it's all natural. How tin something natural hurt the environment?," Wheeler asserted.
Pres. Trump'southward primary concern according to inside sources has been the possibility of offending his friends in the Saudi royal family unit. "I don't want them to call back we're competing with their oil businesses," Trump reportedly said, "especially subsequently seeing what they did to Khashoggi and given potent Saudi guest volume in my hotels."
Nonetheless, information technology seems that the plan volition move forward, especially now that Wheeler was able to assuage Trump'southward concerns by placing Ivanka on the new company'southward board.
Roy Rosin is the Chief Innovation Officer at Penn Medicine, where he works with idea leaders from across the health arrangement to turn ideas into measurable affect in the areas of health outcomes, patient experience and new revenue streams. This story is satire. The EPA, in fact, has not changed its name.
Photo courtesy Unsplash 
Source: https://thephiladelphiacitizen.org/roy-rosin-new-epa/
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